Where you are, is not who you are.
Yesterday, yesterday I broke down (lol what’s new). See, it actually started off as an ok day, normal even. I got up, checked my texts cause my boyfriend goes to work at 7 and I am usually not awake then hahaha. I got breakfast, and talked with my brother. I folded laundry, and took a bath. I ate a taco, and a bag of Cheetos (I can hear you laughing, shut it).
It was normal.
Then it was 3:30. I was in the car, with my mom, on the way to take my drivers permit test. I was tapping my foot like crazy, and my music was on full volume. I didn’t wanna hear my anxious thoughts.
We got there, and walked inside, I was nervous but I had everything I needed so I felt confident enough to not cry yet lol. When our number was called (ok honestly the waiting is the worst part), we walked up to the lady and gave her my paperwork.
She checked my vision and said I was good to go. So she sent me over to computer 1 to take the test. By the time I got there my mind was jumbled, I was shaking and breathing was hard. I was beyond scared. Scared of failing, scared of looking like a fool. My dad seemed so excited that I was gonna go get the permit I didn’t wanna let him down. (Even though I know deep down I wouldn’t)
I got the permit, but then again this was my second time going. So… needless to say it wasn’t a pleasant experience in any way. The relief I felt after that was amazing though. Just being able to sit and relax afterwards was crazy. I was pretty tired too because of all the energy spent on being nervous, which is something less and less people seem to be understanding. One thing I wish I also didn’t understand. The constant tiredness is something I have to live with, I’m not complaining because it could be so much worse, but… it doesn’t make things easy. I can’t do everything that others can. I can’t work long shifts at my job, I can’t go to all the parties, I can’t sleepover at a friends then get up and do it all again. I need recovering time, and that’s hard to adjust to. Needing to constantly take breaks after 5-6 shifts/ school days is just plain annoying. I get angry that I’m not as ‘adept’ as people I know. Then I realize, we can’t all be the same. It just hurts, and sadly that’s the way life’s gotta be sometimes. This year has been really great for me. I focused on getting my health back, went to a lot of therapy, reconnected with friends and spent more time with my family. Am I saying it’s perfect so far? No way! I can already feel myself slipping back into habits I had before DBT. Like avoiding and stuffing emotions down. It’s a bit scary to feel sad and nervous after a while of being pretty ok, it’s because you get comfortable. And that’s ok. It’s ok to feel sad and it’s ok to not wanna do things, that is as long as you don’t give into it. I’ll be honest, I give in some days. I let myself drown in sleep instead of dealing with my mind. The good thing is that I realize what’s happening, even if it’s after the fact. Awareness is the first step my friend. At the end of the day, you are not defined by what you did that day, whether that’s go to school and get all your work done for the next two weeks. Or got out of bed and took a shower and went right back to bed. Or maybe even just didn’t get up at all. That’s not you, and start believing those lies and you’ll go farther down a pit that you won’t be able to get out of until you hit rock bottom.
I know, I’ve been there.
But I’ve also been back.
Don’t count yourself out yet.
Breathe, and look around you.
It might not be what you want to see right now.
But there’s nothing you can do about that.
Like it or not, you’re here.
So breathe. And make the best out of it.
That looks different for everyone, but do what you need. Because only you know that.
The song I wanna share with you this week is Somebody by the chainsmokers. I really like the message of this song, urging people to be something other than the norm and I’m really feeling different rn, so I think it captures the mood. There’s a temptation to mold yourself into something you’re not, to fit in. (Also the art is so amazing) 👇🏻
I love you.