The masterpiece of you

“Yes I am in recovery, because even though today was hard, I’m choosing to be here tomorrow”

Well I’m gonna try this again, blogging here I come.

Have you ever watched a movie that hit so hard with so many aspects of your life, that all you could do was cry? Or sit there and just ponder about how the directors knew you would be out there, sitting on that brown chair, watching that movie? Yeah, me too. (Christopher Robin man, hit me in the FEELS)

And I’m not even going to lie to you, that scared me. The raw emotions I haven’t let myself feel in a while because i am scared to relapse, just poured out of me. I think I have my family quite a scare because it’s a kids movie and I’m balling by minute 2.

Last year, about this time. I wanted to die. I dont know if I’ve truly ever said that on here, admitting on a screen that I was at the lowest of lows. But there you have it, the truth. And the truth now, is much different than it was. It has changed and warped and become something much greater let me tell you: I want to live! I want to wake up and get dressed and eat and walk and dance and watch more tear provoking movies! All the things that seemed dull and sad last year have become a privilege that I am so so so thankful to experience every day. And that, my lovelies, is recovery in its finest.

Yet, i am not done. Please don’t mistake progress for perfection. I don’t believe I’ll ever be fully “recovered” from my mental illness. With something this in depth, I don’t think it can be done. And that’s a-ok! I don’t want to be erased of the troubles I had, because it’s made me so thankful for what I’ve become. So when people say I’ve changed I say yes! Yes I have and I’m so glad I did because I’m alive.

Some days it’s hard, and still is. But I will fight for what I deserve, what everyone deserves, a chance to live. So if anyone reading this right now is saying “how, how can she just wanna live when it’s so hard”?

You’re right dear, it is hard, and it sucks. Pushing forward is so much more difficult than just giving up. When you eat the two, the latter may sound like a better option. But it’s not, because you know that lunch you packed the night before? Yeah you couldn’t eat that if you died. Your favorite show that just got a reboot is recording tomorrow… don’t you wanna see it.

The little things in life, you’ll hold on to, end up being bigger than the most important things. Which sounds harsh when I say it out loud, oops. Life is full of little things that make up the masterpiece of you. So don’t give up. Keep trying to find your little things. Because I guarantee you’ll be thankful you did.

I sure am, because I’ve been there. I get it. And I’m here for you. Whether in real life, or just through these blogs. I’m lucky for each and everyone staring at this screen.

Thank you for living, existing, breathing.

Stay safe, be careful, I love you all.