And here you are living despite it all- Rupi Kaur
I am sorry okay, life is wayyyy too lifey.
Hello blog being, I hope your day is fantastic. Almost as fantastic as my blue hair, yup that’s right my hair is mostly blue now.
I’ve been thinking about medicine a lot lately. I mean, I take a lot. I promise I’m not in recreational drugs, lol. But I do take antidepressants and anxiety medications. I take lots of pills just to be able to get up and start my day. I think it’s scary how this is happening more and more in teens today. I think it comes to show something is wrong with the “norm” during these times. I used to think medicine made me look weak, and I guess I still kinda do. But I’ve come to respect the fact that I cannot alter my Brian chemistry. I just can’t, it’s not possible. And if my tiny blue pills help me to live another day than so be it. I am not my medication.
I noticed a couple weeks ago, that I need to distance myself from toxic people. And I’m doing just that, I’m quite proud honestly. Please please please, if someone is criticizing the way you look, dress, feel, or anything tell SOMEONE. It doesn’t matter who, just don’t let those stay trapped till the point where you’re scared to look in the mirror. Don’t be like me. Being authentic is the scariest thing I’ve done. Really, it is. I only started that journey when I came back from the hospital. I wore clothes that matched what I wanted, I wrote poetry that described my feelings. And I even made sure my friends were the ones I needed. So far so good 🙂 but, it wasn’t easy. I was very scared of rejection, still am honestly. Putting yourself out there is hard. But I believe in you, whatever you decide to do, whatever you decide to be. I’m sure you’ll do amazing. Go kick butt for me okay? Honestly that’s actually most interesting thing going on right now. I stopped therapy with my normal counselor, and started up with a new psychiatrist and that’s been going okay. I like him, he doesn’t mind my weird jokes or sassy comments( in fact he joins in). It’s refreshing. Before I went to see him, the second time… I had a breakdown. Something happened and I was very unsure of how to react. But I flipped( quite literally). I started yelling and screaming and crying while laying on the floor. Please don’t think any less of me for that, I don’t want you to believe I’m crazy. But, the thing was really upsetting to me and I had a meltdown. For the rest of the night I ate icing and Chinese food, and if that’s not wonderful I don’t know what is. I think I just wanted to stop in, I know it’s been forever since I blogged last. But, I’m getting better and I’m trying to focus on things like mood stabilizing and academic work. I need to to get through this year 🙂 wish me luck!
Oh yeah, speaking of new options and experiences, I might start going to a DBT group. DBT is Dialectical behavior therapy, which basically means it’ll teach me how to regulate my emotions and steady my relationships with people (yeah that’s right i’m the hulk of the mental health world, watch out…). Today I actually had an evaluation for it, I was super nervous. BUT, but my mom took me shopping after and I got this super rad pair of shorts (score!!!). On the way home we listened to emotional music and even cried. I will def share the song below (enjoy my wrath, FEEL ALL THE FEELS)
Y’all this post is all over the place, maybe cause it’s i’m supppper tired. But here’s my thoughts. Feel free to read them. Also, you’re amazing so yeah. This week song is Footprints by Molly Kate Kestner. I know it sounds a little weird, but the music is amazing and I love this song. It reminds me it’s all gonna work out, even if not today. Also, it makes me think of my brother, who despite being so annoying is my most passionate reasons to keep going Have a wonderful week lovelies, stay safe!
Here’s the song btw: