Silly girl, your different has been your beautiful all along. -Atticus
Hey, it’s been a while. This time I actually have an excuse. I’ve been through a lot lately, let me tell you. I’m not gonna go into details, I don’t wanna trigger anyone or share too much as to compromise it all.
At first, I went to a day program, which was okay. It’s basically a center with lots of group therapy and it’s at a hostpital. I went there because I began to have more and more dark thoughts. I couldn’t control them, it was starting to scare me. And no one realized how bad it was. The scariest part of it was how far away it was from home if I did have an issue. But it was only for the day time, and it was supposed to help, so why not? The intake was annoying but easy. Basically, I sat in a chair next to my mom, and she and I explained why I needed to be here and filled out paperwork. I would be there for two weeks. I’ll get to that in a minute. The first day was a little scary, because I didn’t know anyone. But the counselors were nice, and the kids seemed to genuinely want to get better. We had groups, and did crafts, and went to the caf for lunch. It was okay, but after so long of repressing my feelings it was hard to talk so openly about it. That’s when things got worse, (:) if you don’t wanna read that’s fine). I self harmed for the first time in a while. I had recently gone through a change of a relationship and it got to me. But I was having bad bad thoughts, I did tell them tho. Don’t worry. I handed them a note as to explain why I thought I wasn’t safe. They talked with me for a bit, then called my mom to talk with her too. I felt bad having my mom look so sad. I felt like I just crushed every piece of hope in me that she had left. I thought she was disappointed, but really she just wanted me to be okay again.
At this point I was so so far from okay. And it was hurting everyone. I knew something drastic had to happen in order to make a change.
That night, I went to the ER for the first time ever. It smelled of hand Sanitizer ans rubber gloves. To me, it smelled of fear and hopelessness. Ive never liked hospitals, they haven’t been the best experiences for me. A lady asked for my arm and put an white band around it. Then she walked me back to a room with my parents and herself. She asked me to sit in a chair, and I sat down with my fingers gripping the arms. She took my vitals, and then talked to me for a while. They said I needed to be put in the observation room. I had no clue what that was. They lead me down winding hallways and through the hospital corridors. The this room with a mattress and a pillow and a blanket. By this point they made me Change and wear paper scrub looking things.
It was an exhausting and scary next four hours. Nurses came in and out to check on me, parents crying, me singing to keep myself calm. I didn’t know exactly what was happening and that was the worst of it. They came in and talked to me about going to inpatient. I’ll write another post on that later. I don’t wanna overwhelm you, and get me to an unstable point again. Anyway, I hope you’ve all had a great past few weeks. Sorry I haven’t posted, but I guess you know why now. This weeks song is Rise Up by Imagine dragons. This song is so inspirational and soulful, I wanna conquer the world when I hear it. I hope that it helps you get through this week with your head held high and your smile higher.