Why I don’t go out much

Well hello there, yes I’m talking to you. The beautiful human being on the other side of the screen! You are amazing, and strong, and very, very unique. I hope you all are doing fabulous( My friend Aaliyah likes this word and she kinda got me into it). Anyways I am going to the beach this weekend! There’s also a 100% chance of rain, you know everything’s all good. That’s a lie everything is so not good. The second time I go to the beach and its raining (the sky is sad, Olivia, cheer it up). Thank goodness for air conditioned cabins and phone chargers. This week has been weird, okay not like as weird as that one doctor who episode where the angel statues try to kill people when they blink(THIS DID NOT HAPPEN….I THINK….HOPEFULLY). Last Friday I saw Descendants 2 with my friend Olivia(please see picture below to die of laughter). In short we had a lot of fun and had an excuse to fill our mouths with many foods of the unhealthy variety. Then came Saturday, ah bittersweet saturday. I love usually Saturdays, sure we have our normal chores but then we just get to hang out( My “hang out” is sitting inside my room for the next 5 hours reading and listening to music, yes this is fun, no ( I know what you are thinking! I may be a bookworm but that is not all I do) I am not antisocial. My friends birthday party was on Saturday, and yes it was a sleepover. Don’t get me wrong I wanted to be there. I love that little human to death( yes I know you are taller then me but you with forever be little in my eyes). I originally planned to just go for a couple hours and mom was gonna pick me up then. I don’t even know why I try to plan anymore it never works. But I went and you know what I’m proud of myself for walking out the door and into hers. I was scared, completely freaked out, nervous, and the all the other nasty adjectives used to describe fear. I was there for two hours before I called my mom because I had to leave. I cried all the way home and then cried myself to sleep that night. Its an awful feeling to not be able to go to a birthday party, with people you know and love, knowing nothing bad will happen. But bad things have happened before so it could happen again. You feel like you are pathetic and weak and like you let your friends down. Eventually you get to the point where you think they don’t even miss you anymore because all you do is leave anyway. I got her a present and I hugged her and told her I was sorry, then I beat myself up about it. You tell yourself that you shouldn’t be like this, that normal people don’t do these things. On Wednesday I had an counseling appointment. It was there I learned that I was good at diverting conversations away from what I don’t want to talk about. I am not a huge fan of counseling but I just want it to help. I hope you all are doing well! Thanks for listening to my little rants. This weeks song is Manolo by Trip Lee. This song is honestly not my normal uplifting and emotional song. This one is for fun, seriously. My whole family listens to this in the car and we have to turn it up so loud, so enjoy!