Judgement

I went to school yesterday. Okay, not like an actual day of school but I did go.  My mom and I had a meeting with my school counselor to talk about what I was worried about school wise. I got my schedule and a list of my teachers and he even took us on a little tour to go see my classrooms. In short it was a nice meeting, I left feeling way more confident than when I walked in(Maybe even a little excited). Last year was really awful for me, like really bad. I had a teacher that was really hard to deal with( he was loud and liked to call on random people. This is a total nightmare for kids with anxiety). At the end of the year it  got so bad that I was having lots of panic attacks during classes and couldn’t concentrate. The thing I wish people would understand is that it feels awful to sit in front of someone in class and think they hate you. Or maybe they think your hair looks gross, or your t-shirt doesn’t look good on you, maybe they think your overweight.  Constantly wanting to hide yourself as you walk down the hallway because you think other students are laughing at you. The thing is that you can’t silence these thoughts as you look around and see that people don’t really care about anything but themselves and their small( or large if they are popular) group of friends. You still believe you are being constantly criticized. I had this feeling everyday, take it from me it gets old. The one thing that I wish wouldn’t happen did on Sunday. I felt this feeling in Sunday school, you see I moved up to high school, so I decided to finally face my fear and go to the high school class. I sat there for about 40 minutes not moving before I had to leave because I was gonna have a panic attack. My friend Olivia has always got my back in these situations, she encourages me to leave and brings me my stuff after class. I bet they were wondering why I left and didn’t come back. I wish I could tell them, but its too hard. So I took to hiding in the bathroom, honestly the bathroom and I have become very good friends. The feelings that everybody thinks you are strange and ugly really get to you. Truth be told I think it adds to my depression. I’m sorry if this sounds self-absorbed or moody, but I am just talking about what I am feeling so here you go. I got a text from my friend Elliot a couple days ago saying that he liked my blogs and how he never knew how hard any of this stuff actually was. I never expected him to even read them let alone give feedback. Honestly it was really nice and I cried( almost as much as I did when Steve died in Wonder Woman, like why you do this DC??). So thank you very much Elliot, it means a lot. This blog has helped me more than any of you know. I hope everyone is doing well. You are all smart, talented, beautiful( or handsome or  whatever),loved and cherished. I know I already posted this week but whatever. Here is a song that encouraged me today. Its mostly meant for girls( its literally called lovely) but you know anyone can listen to it.  Its called Lovely by Hollyn. 🙂 ( I was trying to do a heart but I can’t figure it out so just pretend its here)

Liz